what if you could never really place yourself

so my daughter is thinking of joining the military. it’s a last resort, in my thinking. she needs a job because her dreams have been crushed by an inaccessible school system and a lazy gene, which i assume i passed on to her.

now i’ve just graduated from school with a phd in cultural studies and every ounce of my energy has gone into that project for the last 13 years. so when my 22 year old daughter has been watching me work through all the school levels and given herself to school for three years we have still not found a way through to a life. and those three years ago i left the family home. in addition, i’ve been depressed and have disability. alongside her dad who is conservative in all kinds of ways, and i’d say also has depression –thats a lot of shit to deal with.

although, we are white and don’t face negative racism, we are strangely failing as a family. it is as if by design.  because i stopped being mom.

and it is very difficult to see oneself clearly at any point in time. but equally it is difficult to see anyone. including your children and those closest to you. love is not easy. we fail at it daily.

 

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